There is a certain nostalgia related to the idea of having a secret admirer.  This is a person, unknown to you, who bestows a gift in admiration. As long as the identity remains secret, there can be no expectation of repayment, reciprocity, or direct validation.  There are no strings attached.  Moreover, if we are a secret admirer to another, we let go of our need for such reinforcement.  The idea is provocative, and considering it may leave one longing for the experience.  But that is for dreamers—or is it?  In this world, where personal success is espoused and independence hailed, could it be that we have “admirers” who bestow gifts, but we don’t recognize it?

Consider the following common scenario: I sit here drinking my tea that I picked, and I paid for, with the money I earned in my job.  I had gone to the store, made my selection, driven it home in my car, heated it in my kettle, steeped it in my cup, and carried it to my chair, so that I could sit by my computer and write my article.  We are so self-reliant these days, or are we?  With the simple acts above, I was able to control my destiny in one small way—drinking tea.  However, I was far from self-reliant.

Let’s examine this from the beginning.  Did I truly pick my tea?  It doesn’t take much detective work to discover that I most likely only selected the tea from a store shelf.  We quickly recognize that it was likely someone unknown to me who actually picked the tea leaves.  In fact, someone also had to put it into packaging, which was likely made by someone else, and designed by an additional someone, at a company, which someone ran.  But it doesn’t stop there.  This tea came from overseas, which means that someone had to ship it across the world, using some form of transportation that someone had to design, create, and subsidize.  The process likely involved several forms of transportation prior to arriving at the store, never mind my home.  Once delivered to the store, someone had to stock it on shelves, and someone else had to work the register where I paid for my tea, with money that I got from a bank, which someone ran.  One does not need to look far to recognize that this approach can be taken toward multiple aspects of the tea drinking experience, including the tea cups, the honey, and the spoon, as well as the table I set it on.  In fact, we can follow this all the way to my experiences with previous situations and people who have influenced my life in a way that resulted in my even choosing to drink tea.  It is easy to see that my simple, seemingly solitary, comfort actually hinged on many players.  In fact, I couldn’t have done it without all these secret people.

When we begin to view life through this lens, a rich web of interconnectedness emerges, and the possibilities for reciprocity become endless.

One way to challenge ourselves with regard to fully appreciating this phenomenon is to bring to mind some recent accomplishment for which you felt proud, even if it was a small success.  Now, close your eyes, and imagine that you are on a stage accepting an award for this achievement.  Can you find five people you could thank?  What about ten or twenty people?  Notice that as you broaden your perspective, the network becomes larger and larger and may be quite intertwined.

In this world, where independence is celebrated, it is easy to get lost in the mindset of independence and never consider how others play a role.  Once we begin to look at the world through this lens of interconnection, we open ourselves up to see the countless ways in which we are supported by others around us, and even more so by the vast number of individuals we will never know.

Some people are hesitant to adopt this way of thinking for fear that they will lose their sense of independence.  However, the reverse is often true.  By tapping into the connectedness we have with others, we become stronger and more aware of the support we receive from people who are “secret” to us. Likewise, we can celebrate the impact we are also having in supporting individuals we don’t even readily know.

So, as I drink my tea, I think, “I will never know you secret admirer, but thanks!”