As we watch our children blossom into adults, we may often wonder how they have come so far from the seedlings they once were.  I would like to offer a paraphrase of one dad’s description of the vital process of parenting as a gardening of sorts:  a consistent nurturing to aid and encourage growth, an understanding of and patience with natural cycles instead of attempts to force children to grow according to our own timeframes and preconceived notions.

As this father points out, we know that once a seed is planted, growth takes sunshine, fertilizer, and weeding.  Reflecting on the early years of growth for both a plant and a child, we can clearly see that a steady stream of light and water is needed for proper development.  You have to give kids plenty of sunshine (in the form of time) and fill their environment with good experiences, nutritious food, and love. Think for a moment about grass that has grown under a piece of wood. If there is any growth at all, it is pale, sparse, and lacking in life.  The same is true for a child who needs sunlight in the form of space and nurturing.

If you want strong and vibrant plants, you need to ensure that they receive what they need to develop into ones.  This idea also applies to our kids.  They need good foods— the best nutrition lets the body grow how it was intended.  Health concerns for children related to diet is a hot topic, and data shows the consequences. If we give our children the kinds of food they need early, they develop a taste for them. For example, this dad remembers his own dad introducing him to boiled okra, saying it was like a Baby Ruth bar.  It may sound silly, he says, but he did try it. Not only did his father’s excitement invite him to try the unknown, but it left an imprint on how he parents: with guidance rather than force.

Often, providing guidance is akin to weeding. Though it is a job that few adore in tending a garden, one has to get rid of the weeds.  What does this mean when it comes to our children? To continue with the important focus on food, it means helping our kids weed out the junk. As this dad relates, his son was able to get great instruction in his diet as a teen. Such a blend of weeding and fertilizing transformed him, helping him to develop a healthy body and sharp mind, for which he is forever grateful. A good diet gives our children the tools to live a great life.

Weeding also means keeping the focus on life.  For example, video games that glorify killing are not good for a mind that needs to value and treasure life. This father explains that he’s seen anger issues with his own children when they have spent time with those types of games. But when you help them rid those things from their lives, when you show them and let them see why, they will flourish. Too much time plopped in front of even innocuous video games or television also needs weeding out. Then, there is enough space to really experience the joy of bonding through time spent together, like a gardener and his plants mutually benefitting from his efforts.

Such a desired scenario requires weeding in one’s own life as well, such as weeding out any tendency to make every weekend into “dad’s alone time” and otherwise creating the requisite space for children to  grow to appreciate you as well as themselves. While engaged in the tough work of pulling whatever weeds sap our relationships with our children, it can help to remember, as this father affirms, he has never regretted taking time to enjoy his kids. Parents everywhere can relate to this feeling, but it can sometimes be difficult to make this time. Nonetheless, the rewards are more than worth it. After all, children crave attention. How many times have you been out in public and achieved eye contact with a baby or child? When they feel your warmth, they always smile—always.

Our children need a healthy, enriching environment in order to grow their minds. When you are mindful and in touch with your own feelings of love, you allow children to form healthy attachments through which they feel secure enough to explore their environment and discover things in their own way and within their own timeframe. They can try and fail and learn to try again, if we appreciate the attempts.  An environment with opportunities and discovery shows what can be accomplished. A love-filled safe haven allows the bravery to go to that opportunity and yet have a place to which to retreat.  And through you, your children will see good things to pursue.

Likewise, the true joy for us, as parents, is when we make that contact in their world, when we see things as they see them.  The time spent is never in vain.  The moments this father remembers most were when he was able to put himself in their world, experiencing what they experienced.  Without that time, how do children grow, bond, and gain faith that the environment is letting them grow?

What comes to mind as I hear this father’s words echo is a saying that I learned from a seasoned gardener when I confided in her regarding my trials and tribulations of planting.  It seemed that no matter what I told her, she would respond, “weep, creep, and leap.”  She told me to pull back all visions of a full garden and anticipate the weeping phase, when small plants use their fuel to survive and build a foundation.  As they complete this task, they transition into a growth, or creeping, phase.  Lastly, just as one has gotten used to the way things appear, the plants would thrive, or leap, and the garden would fill.  Further, to the dismay of the eager gardener in me, she said each process would take somewhere around a year.  I began to hum the phrase to myself as I would water or pass by my little sagging plants.  At times I made the occasional trek across the lawn to take one of these unfortunate plants out to greener pastures, and the chants would grow stronger. “Weep, Creep, and Leap! “  Eventually these plants or I, and most likely both of us, were sure to get it right.  I later found out that often when things appear dormant or even a bit listless, the roots are growing stronger.  Slowly, I began to trust that things were happening, even if I could not see them with my human eye.  I began to trust in the process.

I have discovered a similar process in children.  As much as they may go through multiple phases, during which it seems they make no growth that all, things are surely taking place beneath the surface.  In fact, science can tell us those neurons in the brain undergo growth spurts at several points in time, well into what we may in today’s society call young adulthood.   During these times, skills that we had seen our children previously acquire may lapse temporarily in order make room for new skills to be learned, and we need to exercise patience during these natural cycles.  Thankfully, such patience pays off as the previously-acquired skills return along with the new skills whose growth we may not have even been able to see. So, a child who may seem forever stuck in the terrible twos may suddenly announce, “I am so angry I am going to go to time out” and promptly take herself to her seat.  This may leave you wondering whether your little being had been sneaking out at naptime to read up on anger management books.  At the same time, you realize you had been bracing in anticipation of—yet another—full contact sporting event to safely get her into that time out seat.  Similarly, out of the blue one day, you may hear your normally argumentative teen suddenly thanking you for making dinner and asking how your day was, and you may find yourself,  jaw dropped in shock, questioning whether aliens do exist and wondering if they have taken over the body of the child before you.  Rest assured that your child and you are exactly where you are meant to be at any given moment.  Remember to bring mindful attention to simply seeing the truth in each situation while weeding out judgment of, or attachment to, the ways you may believe things ought to be.  In such moments you create the space for choice, growth, and development, not only for your child but for yourself as well.