Our guest post today comes from Dr. Ronald Alexander. It is adapted from his book, Wise Mind, Open Mind: Finding Purpose and Meaning in Times of Crisis, Loss, and Change (New Harbinger Publications, 2009).
Scientists at the Institute for Behavioral Medicine Research at Ohio State discovered after more than two decades of research how stress including arguments can alter the levels of certain hormones in the blood that can weaken one’s immune system, increasing their vulnerability to disease. This was especially true for women as men often “tune out” their partners in a disagreement. According to Dr. Janice Kiecolt-Glaser, a scientist in the research, “We’re not saying that conflicts in marriage are bad necessarily. They’re completely normal. It’s the way the couples disagreed that was later related to a rise in hormone levels and a drop in immune function. It’s the quality of the disagreement.”
When people are in a reactive state while arguing they often shift into unwholesome emotions such as blaming, criticizing, judging, attacking or finding fault in order to justify their position. Once a person falls into these negative reactions they can become frozen or stuck in one of the three corner stones of a power struggle – dominating, manipulating and/or controlling. When this happens it leads to a breakdown in communications. So how can you stay centered and nonreactive when you’re in a heated conversation? Well the process begins by becoming a Mindful Listener.
The object in resolving a conflict is ideally for both individuals to start practicing mindful (meaning being in the present) listening and speaking. The first step is to recognize that you are in an unwholesome or unproductive pattern. After you acknowledge this aspect it is then important to categorize what the power struggle is about and to give it a title. For example, most couples argue about money, sex, time, responsibilities, and attention, so you could be fighting about one of these issues.
After you have established the cause of the communications breakdown the next step is key, as this is where you cut through the knot of the power struggle to address all aspects of the conflict that are tied up in it. To achieve this I recommend to my patients a simple mindful listening exercise. Mindful listening means being totally in the present and aware of not only the words but also the body language and actions of the other person. First, person A is the speaker who starts by talking about what is on his/her mind. Person B is the listener who listens in a mindful way and only after Person A is finished sincerely responds with, “I heard everything that you said and I will be aware of all your thoughts, feelings and perceptions from this moment forward.” Then reverse the roles with Person A being the listener. By learning to deeply and sincerely listen to the other person you can discover where you are stuck in the conflict.
Once you and your partner understand the root of the conflict it is much easier to shift out of a reactive mode. Now the two of you can work on creating a new or different perspective to what isn’t working in the relationship. This unique approach involves a different way of speaking in order to shift your involvement. For example after you have been able to unravel the strands of the conflict you and your partner can take turns saying to each other, “I recognize that what you’re saying is ¬¬¬______ and the action that I will take to create a shift is ________. What I promise to do differently is _______ and the request that I have for you in return is _______.”
As you both develop wise listening and speaking skills you’ll start to notice when you’re tempted to respond to each other with cruelty and sarcasm, and you’ll instantly remember that you want to let go of that old behavior pattern. You’ll begin to enhance the new neural network in your brain that fosters an awareness of your forthrightness and strength, and open up to your compassion and kindness. You’ll stop feeling guilty and denying your tendency to be sarcastic, because your compassion toward yourself and others will dissolve your desire to issue a cutting remark. Then, when your spouse or coworker makes a comment that you disagree with or that makes you uncomfortable, you’ll be able to consciously choose a new, more wholesome and productive way of responding, changing the tenor of your relationship with them and fostering better relationships.
Ronald Alexander, Ph.D. is the author of the widely acclaimed book, Wise Mind, Open Mind: Finding Purpose and Meaning in Times of Crisis, Loss, and Change. He is the director of the OpenMind Training® Institute, practices mindfulness-based mind-body psychotherapy and leadership coaching in Santa Monica, CA, for individuals and corporate clients. He has taught personal and clinical training groups for professionals in Integral Psychotherapy, Ericksonian mind-body healing therapies, mindfulness meditation, and positive psychology nationally and internationally since 1970. For a description of Dr. Alexander’s book and recommendations on other inspiring reading check out our resource tab. For further information on open mind training click here.
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Although I am not in a relationship, these tips are very helpful for relationships with friends, classmates, and possibly teachers. What Dr. Alexander stated about the actions proceeding and during an argument have occurred many times whenever I have argued with another person. At least now I know how to overcome the obstacles throughout the argument.
-Taylor Hicks
Whenever I would get into a heated argument my heart rate would instantly increase, especially when they’re yelling and only focused on getting their point across and not to understand my feelings. Now I have gotten to the point where I don’t argue. I simply say how I feel in a calm like manner or completely avoid doing something that I know will spark an argument in general. Dr. Alexander is correct by saying if one exchanges roles to both listen and speak in a tactful manner then both sides will be seen and understood causing less stress, anxiety and rising emotions. Now that I do the exchanging of roles I handle all of my conflicts so much better and feel ten times better afterwards.
– Vilexia Jackson
Usually when I began to have an argument with people, it would either be my way or the highway. When I can’t get my point across I just completely shut down and ignore that person. Now, I tend to be more relaxed and calm about before, during, and after an argument due to my ongoing meditations in my English class. I think the mindful listening example was an excellent depiction of mindful listening even when you might disagree with the person.
Relations between friends , family, and loved ones are extremely difficult. There are so many emotions that come into play, and spark arguments. Arguments are inevitable, and we must simply find a way to accept it and move on. The tips in this article should help ease arguments.
-Nikolas Holloway
I agree with Dr. Alexander’s writing. When I’m on a negative or losing side during the argument, I head often blanks out I run out of things to say, and at the same time, I get mad very fast and blur out meaningless rants. Like the Doctor said, we need to understand each others’ root of the conflict. In addition it’s good to develop listing and speaking skills to effectively diagnose the main problem. A very nice article indeed.
I have trouble with thinking of the right things to say DURING an argument. I always think of what I should’ve said once its over, so I usually use as much logic as I can during the argument. It’s both a blessing and a curse so this article definitely helped.
I like the approach that Dr. Alexander suggests when dealing with disagreements. Whenever we are in a conflict, we should first acknowledge our “unwholesome” pattern, then address all aspects of the conflict, and finally shift out of the reactive mode. I will definitely try to incorporate these tips the next time I’m in a conflict. This is a great conflict resolution technique!
I completely agree with Dr. Alexander. When you are in a state where you’re judgement is blinded, you don’t have control over your emotions, thus makes you careless. Some couples recognize what is causing this pattern during the argument and recognize it after. Nevertheless, the truth of the matter is that you are able to recognize it, thus that’s when you start to communicate effectively and build a new foundation between you and that person.
One thing that i have learned is that an argument is to persuade someone to your beliefs and not to attack theirs. I can see how Dr. Alexander’s approach can help reason with a person rather than anger them.
the paper was informative that stress can cause many problems. one of the things that causes problems is lack of communication. i agree that a lot of problems are caused by little to no communication.
I found Dr. Alexander’s thoughts and advice to be very wise. Not too long ago, I would often argue for the longest time and find myself empty on the inside afterwards. However, as I got older, I was able to learn from my mom and personal experience that it never benefits anyone to fight and have your word be the last. Whenever I feel that another person’s believes and arguments don’t make sense to me, or I simply cannot find his or her ideas reasonable, I would just politely end the conversation and leave.
I really like this method of letting go of old negative behaviors and promising to create a positive shift in trying to find a solution for an argument between couples, friends, family, coworkers, etc. Whenever I argue with someone, I try not to add fuel to the fire by adding in sarcastic comments. Sometimes, it escalates the situation and leads no where. Instead, I respectfully disagree with them and try to be rational about the issue. I think communication is definitely key in an argument, but not only that, the way people approach the confrontation is very important as well. When one person addresses the problem in a respectful manner, the other will positively respond and clarify any misunderstandings (most of the time).
I think that while this is a great method to become more aware of the other person so achieve a better sense of empathy in an argument, it is a very optimistic method that would be almost too difficult a task for a good majority of people to take on. Everyone takes on unwholesome and detrimental patterns in arguments because that is how we as child naturally learned. And yes, there are people such as myself who take on a very tranquil state when arguing because I try to find common ground or weaknesses in the other’s arguments so that I can make them see my point. But trying to completely rewire how one thinks and behaves during an argument is going to consciously frustrate people who are naturally very heated people. I simply would need to see this work for myself as I see this as an overly optimistic arguing manner.
I agree with the fact that an argument can lead to higher stress if not treated properly. I think that a primary causes of bad arguments is lack of communication and understanding. All people want to do is get their point across without even listening to what the other person has to say.