“A void of loving relationships and feelings of connectedness in our
Communities is jeopardizing our personal well-being and the well-being
of everyone around us.”
In a recent journal article, Wendy Saunders poses that our entire culture is shifting to become more individualistic and less connected. In her role as the executive director of a large metropolitan YMCA, she is in a prime position to observe the consequences of this growing trend. In fact, Saunders challenges us to consider that the resulting detachment is jeopardizing not only our personal well-being but also the larger well-being of our communities, organizations, and businesses. She notes that the phenomenon appears to be getting worse as people, often overwhelmed themselves, in turn, are giving less of themselves to others. Many believe civility is needed to reverse the progression. Wendy goes a step further, suggesting that change may require more substantial efforts toward reengagement.
We invite you to read a brief excerpt of a discussion session on the topic held between Saunders and Tom Lowery, Director of Leadership and Volunteer Development for YMCA of the USA. For further information, you are invited to read Saunders thought provoking article, “Growing Compassionate Love in Communities.”
Tom Lowery- YMCA of the USA: Wendy, what do you see as the difference between civility and manners — and compassionate love? We were talking earlier about behaviors in the business setting, a more professional setting. Some of that sounds a little bit like civility and good manners. How is that different from compassionate love?
Wendy Saunders: I love that you asked that… thank you. The title of my article is actually Beyond Civility: Growing Compassionate Love in Communities. I think a lot of us think of civility as just getting along with other people, just not rocking the boat, being civil, not fighting. [Compassionate love] is raising the standard in terms of the potential for a more authentic, genuine, and connected experience with other people, rather than remaining detached.
Civility doesn’t necessarily address this issue of connectedness. It’s just a notch above “don’t fight… just be civil.” A lot of people look at it that way. What is suggested here with this concept of compassionate love is taking it a lot deeper… allowing us to actually create feelings of concern. A lot of times in my Y work, I’ve wondered, “How do we get people to care about other people… to really care, not just get along?“ A lot of the things I came across in my research demonstrated there are ways for us to get people to really care, to have a genuine concern for other people – as opposed to just not fighting.
YMCA of the USA: Great, thank you. Let me ask another question of you, Wendy. You’re proposing something slightly provocative here, which is that you’re asking people who are in the Y movement – Y professionals – to consider the question: How can we integrate compassionate love into our daily YMCA work? That has programmatic implications, it has member engagement implications, it has implications for how we interact with staff members, with children, and so forth. That’s a fairly provocative idea. What if people don’t feel comfortable with that? What if they feel like it’s too personal or too private? What would you say to them, Wendy?
Wendy Saunders: That’s a great question. You know, in our Western society, especially, we really have adopted this culture of being so individualistic. We’re conditioned this way, from early on, to be concerned for our own interests – you know, make a lot of money and get a promotion, really be self-centered in a way. This concept of engaging warmly with other people can feel very foreign. I understand how it could feel uncomfortable for people to engage in that way, at least to start.
What I would say is the World Health Organization has done a lot of research on love and connectedness, and found it’s really critical to our well-being. We may not realize how much it’s connected to our well-being until we really start to engage in it and realize that our life is enhanced as a result of this process. Not everybody is going to get on board with this concept, but I do think it takes a little bit of courage to reach outside of ourselves and say, “let me give this a try… let me see if I do feel a higher quality of life as a result of being more connected to other people and expressing these feelings of compassionate love.”
A lot of the studies that have been done have demonstrated that people do feel all of those benefits. And, so, I think that some people will be advocates for this more quickly than others, but once you start to get into it, you start to realize, “Wow, I like feeling this way… my life feels more valuable as a result of expressing compassionate love for other people. I feel a higher quality of life as a result of it.”
To learn more about Wendy Saunders and to read the full article on compassionate love, published in the YMCA of the USA‘s Journal of Community StrengtheningTM, please visit this link: http://compassionatelove.net.
Wendy Saunders is an Executive Director with the YMCA of Metropolitan Los Angeles and leadership development faculty for YMCA of the USA. She is also a teacher-in-training for Emory University’s Cognitively Based Compassion Training (CBCT) program. CBCT will be offered at select YMCAs and other locations in the Los Angeles area in partnership with Emory University in 2014. Please visit www.compassionatelove.net for a schedule of upcoming classes.